How To Lose Your Woman (In 7 Steps Or Less)

God help me for what I've just done ... while wearing my blue anchor thong.

The situation is beyond explanation: at this point it is no longer necessary. Regardless, there is a certain gentleman caller who I have mentioned here who is no longer welcome to call because of a tender issue.

In a cheap attempt to self-medicate without liquor, here they are: Things to Keep In Mind If You Want To Lose Your Woman In 7 Steps Or Less:

1. Your "partner" is the enemy, ALWAYS be on your best defense no matter what she says
2. Keep in VERY close contact with your ex who continues to systematically destroy your life. When your "partner" brings this to your attention, do what any other normal man would do: deny, deny, deny!
3. When posed with a final ultimatum, choose to keep the ex in your life over your "partner." No questions asked.
4. Regardless of her feelings, keep your own hours and consistently forget plans or double-book. She'll get over it.
5. Never put her first before anyone else, you never want to get too attached.
6. Break down her walls, then break her down. She needs to open up to you eventually; if she's reluctant at first, KEEP AT HER! Once she lets you in, tell her she's smothering you and that you can't deal with her baggage.
7. Ask her how she could do "this" to you (whatever "this" may be) if she really loved you. Women come up with all kinds of creative responses when they're under pressure.

Regular programming will return tomorrow, self-medication complete.