Hold it with TWO hands!

Cut to this morning: I was wearing my pink angel thong when I walked into the 13th and F St. Caribou Coffee for my decaf skim herbal chai latte and Reduced Fat Cranberry Orange Scone. I felt like a million bucks decked out in my new black angora/cashmere blend dress coat (it's heavenly, I'm telling you).

So there I was at the counter, ordering my drink and reaching in my purse for my lip balm. CLEARLY minding my own business when this jerk next to me began to forcefully pry the lid off his very full, very scaldingly hot dark roast coffee. I knew what was coming, the scenario had disaster written all over it.

I had just retrieved my lip balm when suddenly the jerk's arm spasmed out of control and he proceeded to splash half his grande cup's contents all over me. My jacket, my stockings, my shoes.

The jerk had the nerve to cover his mouth with one hand and eek out the words: "Oh miss, I spilled my coffee all over your jacket!"

And with fire in my eyes, I spat: "Yeah, I got that!"

I wanted to cry, and not just because the coffee has scalded a hole in my silk stockings and was running down my leg and pooling in my shoe. No, I looked down and saw that there were great streaks of coffee and a large splash mark marring the sanctity of the cashmere.

I began blotting furiously with napkins and a wet washcloth they passed me from behind the counter, as the jerk stood there and kept saying, "At least it's coming out." And while I normally would have bitten my tongue, I was taken aback by his complete lack of remorse. So I looked the jerk in the eye and said, "I'll be needing your business card so I can send you the dry-cleaning bill." To which he replied, "Dry-cleaning bill? What for? It's already coming out! See, you can't see anything."

Now I have to take pause here and ask why every straight man in the free world thinks that just because you can't see it, it's not there. Do you know what festering coffee can do to cashmere??? Do you know how hard it is to get the smell of half a grande cup's worth of coffee out of wool??? So, as any red-blooded woman would do, I demanded his business card and told him I would be in touch.

The irony of the situation? It is a balmy 43 degrees today in lovely Washington, DC. So while my jacket was nearly ruined, all I have to say is YAY for Global Warming! Keep using that aerosol hairspray and driving your Humvee 65 miles roundtrip to the office each day! I could use a couple more warm December days.

Happy Belated Birthday to ME!

Here it is, lunchtime on a Wednesday and I'm wearing my red Tommy thong and slowly starving to death. I'm waiting for a client to come in and ruin my day before I go to the company Holiday Shindig this evening (hence the reason for the festive undies) ... so I can't grab lunch yet. Thank Jehovah that Chaz doesn't let me leave the house without an apple and half an Israeli chocolate bar anymore.

This past weekend was wonderful though, thank you to all of those people who made it so special: Asa, Maverick, Sid, Chaz, Woodsy, Bandi, and Mooney. It was truly a pre-birthday wonderland that left me reeling. Woodsy and Bandi surprised me on Friday night by meeting me in the circle while I was wearing my new Lollipop Running Suit (fabulous, thanks for that). Saturday, I ran 17 miles and then went out with the whole crew to the Blue Gin in Georgetown for some scrumptious coconut martinis. Sunday, Moons had all of us over for homemade lasagna, confetti cake, and presents galore (too fun ... thanks for the invite to the suburbs).

But I think the best part of the whole weekend was when Bandi sent out one of those "Bill Gates will send you a check for $24,000 for every person you pass this on to ... he has to because the class action suit would be way too much for Microsoft to pay ... blah blah blah." When Asa and I confronted him for distributing such garbage, Bandi innocently said "Are you serious? I was still waiting for my check!" To which Asa replied "Bandi, it's the end of 2005. Welcome to the internet!"