Hold it with TWO hands!

Cut to this morning: I was wearing my pink angel thong when I walked into the 13th and F St. Caribou Coffee for my decaf skim herbal chai latte and Reduced Fat Cranberry Orange Scone. I felt like a million bucks decked out in my new black angora/cashmere blend dress coat (it's heavenly, I'm telling you).

So there I was at the counter, ordering my drink and reaching in my purse for my lip balm. CLEARLY minding my own business when this jerk next to me began to forcefully pry the lid off his very full, very scaldingly hot dark roast coffee. I knew what was coming, the scenario had disaster written all over it.

I had just retrieved my lip balm when suddenly the jerk's arm spasmed out of control and he proceeded to splash half his grande cup's contents all over me. My jacket, my stockings, my shoes.

The jerk had the nerve to cover his mouth with one hand and eek out the words: "Oh miss, I spilled my coffee all over your jacket!"

And with fire in my eyes, I spat: "Yeah, I got that!"

I wanted to cry, and not just because the coffee has scalded a hole in my silk stockings and was running down my leg and pooling in my shoe. No, I looked down and saw that there were great streaks of coffee and a large splash mark marring the sanctity of the cashmere.

I began blotting furiously with napkins and a wet washcloth they passed me from behind the counter, as the jerk stood there and kept saying, "At least it's coming out." And while I normally would have bitten my tongue, I was taken aback by his complete lack of remorse. So I looked the jerk in the eye and said, "I'll be needing your business card so I can send you the dry-cleaning bill." To which he replied, "Dry-cleaning bill? What for? It's already coming out! See, you can't see anything."

Now I have to take pause here and ask why every straight man in the free world thinks that just because you can't see it, it's not there. Do you know what festering coffee can do to cashmere??? Do you know how hard it is to get the smell of half a grande cup's worth of coffee out of wool??? So, as any red-blooded woman would do, I demanded his business card and told him I would be in touch.

The irony of the situation? It is a balmy 43 degrees today in lovely Washington, DC. So while my jacket was nearly ruined, all I have to say is YAY for Global Warming! Keep using that aerosol hairspray and driving your Humvee 65 miles roundtrip to the office each day! I could use a couple more warm December days.