Tuesday, July 19, 2005

Is that your hard drive, or are you just happy to see me?

Cut to last Friday: I was wearing my hot pink mesh g-string, slaving away at my job, counting the nanoseconds until Happy Hour.

"The Man" had sent a software trainer from Corporate to make sure we were compliant with a program we are consolidating in 2006 (ch-ch-ch-changes). I don't know if you've ever seen the Pixar film "Antz," but this guy looked like the head ant in that movie. He was the type of guy who probably drank glue in elementary school, which is why I'm going to refer to him as "Elmer" from here on out. Elmer had all the right features of a hot guy, they were all just arranged in a funny way. It was kind of like a bad Mr. Potato Head. His face was too small for his head. Picture that for a second, I'll wait.

But just like a lot of other men, Elmer was all into Sassy. I seem to have a nerd magnet somewhere on my person, but that's fine because I have a soft spot for the nerds. And I'm confident enough with my sass that I have no problem being seen with the nerds. I know I can possibly make their lives a little more fun ... and that is all the satisfaction I need. But I gave Elmer my mobile number and told him to call me when he was leaving the office.

So cut to 5:30 when my agent Maverick and bodyguard Siddartha showed up at my office to pick me up for happy hour. After Hair and Makeup and Wardrobe, we ended up sipping red sangrias at Cafe Citron in Dupont Circle. Elmer called at about 7 to say he wasn't going to come out with us -- he had been caught up in "a conference call" or else he would have shown up earlier. Now, I'm not claiming to be a genius or anything, but a conference call at 6pm on a Friday??? Don't pee on my leg and tell me it's raining! I'm not buying it! I know he was just afraid he was either: a) intruding, b) not invited, or c) not going to have fun. So I let him get away with bitching out on us; which is where Maverick comes in. I'm so lucky to have an agent with such a good head on his shoulders. He's always looking out for what's in Sassy's best interest (it's like Touched By An Angel without that crazy Della Reese). Mav insisted I help this guy and force him to meet us in the city.

So we called Elmer back and insisted he come out with us to Dragonfly. He tried to act cool like he didn't really want to come, but I wouldn't take no for an answer this time. He said he was comng from VA, so in the meantime, Sid and Maverick and I made our way over to Dragonfly and went up into the VIP area on the second floor (as if you had any doubts that we were VIP). We took our usual reserved table in the front and settled in with some Stoli Ras and Sodas.
If you have never been to Dragonfly, it's because you're crazy: Dragonfly on Friday night was packed with beautiful gay men (Sid and Mav were in HEA-VEN). There was one particular blonde boy who was very yummy. Maverick (always being the trickster) bet Sid that he wouldn't go talk to the guy and get his phone number. So Sid sauntered over with his best limp wrist and started talking to the guy; they ended up coming over and introducing him to Mav and I.

As Sid walked away to go get everyone drinks, [the new guy] Josh turned to me and Mav and said "So I hear I'm a bet. Well, the joke's on your friend because I'm actually straight." And then he held up his left hand and we saw he was wearing a wedding band! So this MARRIED STRAIGHT GUY is pretending to be a gay to f with Sid! How dare he be so cunning! I was intrigued.

So we chatted it up with Josh, turned out he bartends at a gay male bar on 17th St., he works out at Results, he has great fashion sense, not a hair on his head was out of place, and he knew funny quotes from Big Business and Best In Show. Again, you have to wake up pretty early in the morning to pull an "I'm straight playing gay" on Aunt Sassy. This guy was a grade-A friend of Dorothy's! So here I am, up against a gay playing a straight playing a gay. Think about that for a second ... this is like some kind of Socrates shit! I loved this guy!

About 10 minutes later, Elmer called me in distress. He was downstairs, not being allowed to come up to VIP (poor thing, I don't even know how that would feel). So I went down with Mav to have him let up to our table, and we spotted his little ant head in the crowd. He was dressed in black chinos with an oversized blue polyester button-down shirt that was open a little too much at the chest. Aw! Poor thing! I could tell he had really tried, and he probably left the house thinking he looked like SUCH a lady killer! But once he got up to VIP, this guy was ALL hands (or feelers, however you want to view it). It was pretty disgusting. There's a fine line between asking someone to come out to up their street cred ... or letting them paw you all night.

So I tried to distance myself from the pleasure paws (easier said than done). When I was in my dance-off with Sid, Elmer would position himself any way he could to get a good cleavage shot (not too difficult). Even when I was turning all the gays' popped-collars down, there was no shaking him. Then we all left Dragonfly at about 1 and Elmer said he would like to keep staying out with me ... I was completely abandoned by Sid and Maverick (I'll not soon forgive them for that).

Elmer and I ended up drinking some more at Rumors on M & 19th. As we were leaving after last call, the nerd pushed me up against the wall and started making out with me! THE AUDACITY!! He even tried to stick his hand in my ass! That is TOTALLY off-limits, even to those in the inner circle. UGH! The nerve of some people. So I put him in a cab and sent him on his way home ... sometimes enough is enough.

Cut to yesterday when I showed up at work, there was an email from Elmer sitting in my in-box. Here is how the day of emails turned out:

From: Elmer
Sent: Monday, July 18, 2005 8:40 AM
To: Aunt Sassy
Subject: Hi Sass
Hey - good morning!! How was the rest of the weekend? Did you get my message? Had a good time hanging out with you and your good pals Fri night….thanks for showing me the nightlife on my first "real" D.C. night out!! It was a grand time - hope you had fun too. Let's stay in touch.
Elmer D.

From: Aunt Sassy
Sent: Monday, July 18, 2005 8:54 AM
To: Elmer
Subject: RE: Hi Sassy
Hey there!
Hope the rest of your weekend went well!!! I felt rude for not calling you back yesterday, but c'est la vie. As far as staying in touch, I don’t think that’s a good idea … unless you pass me through the SME training. I mean, a promise is a promise.
Gotta run, but I hope to hear from you soon!

From: Elmer

Sent: Monday, July 18, 2005 10:01 AM

To: Sassy

Subject: RE: Hi Sassy

Hi- I'll buzz you later - you're funny! I'll check on that SME status of yours and we'll chat….oh and don't let out to those "gals" in your office who may spread gossip about us going out Fri night - I could tell some of them like to chat :-)
Talk to you soon.

So there it is ... more to follow soon on the Ant Elmer and Aunt Sassy face-off!


Blogger KOB said...

This is really funny and well written. Hmmm.

8:27 PM  
Anonymous Sidhartha said...

That was wonderfully written. However, there was a slight omission of detail. "I won the dance-off :-) "

11:03 AM  

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